Maybe too alive.
The next time she saw Tristan in the marketplace she couldn't help herself and had to go to him. She had been too lonely for too long and didn't want to pretend any longer. She couldn't, not if she wanted to keep feeling alive.
She ran up to her secret love and kissed him, so full of life and joy that she never even looked around for her husband.
She didn't know for exactly how long had Meryn been standing there.
She heard the girl behind her say "My lord," but even that wasn't enough to clue her in, and even if it did, it probably would have been too late anyway. And then Meryn spoke himself, his voice quiet but all the more terrifying, and Nadine and Tristan jumped apart, their hearts racing and the same guilty expression on their faces.
Meryn marched to the pair, opened his mouth to speak again, and Nadine started screaming instead.
"I don't belong to you! And I never will! I don't care that my stupid mother forced me to say the words, you are not my husband, not really. I am the lady, the heiress and ruler, and I will do what I want! I don't..."
He slapped her.
Nadine fell silent in the middle of the sentence and just gaped at her husband. It stung, but the shock was stronger. Nobody had ever hit her, not even when she had defied her mother and screamed at Meryn. She had never imagined she ever could overstep somebody's patience.
"We're going home." Meryn said, still quietly, but there was more anger in his voice than Nadine had ever seen in him. "And there I will decide what to do with you."
On the way home they were both silent. Meryn's expression remained stern and Nadine tried her best to remain furious, but she was growing increasingly nervous. When they entered the manor, she almost wanted to cry.
Only when they were inside, in private, did Meryn speak again: "I was patient with you. I agreed to save your reputation, accepted your bastard, even put up with your moods and waited for you to start behaving like a proper wife. And this is how you repay me? By shaming us both in public like this?"
"It wasn't..." Nadine didn't even finish the sentence when she realised how absurd it would sound. "I was just... You have no right to tell me what to do!
"Really? I am your husband, in case you have forgotten. I have every right to tell you what to do. And every right to punish you as I see fit."
Nadine cringed, afraid he would slap her again. She wanted to protest, to defend herself, but her righteous indignation melted under his glare. "I'm sorry, please don't... I'll never do that again."
"That's exactly what you promised when you said your wedding vows. I believe it's time you learned about consequences." Meryn said coldly. "About what happens when you break vows made before the Watcher."
What happened next was like a series of nightmares.
Her mother refused her any mercy, not after Nadine begged her, not even after she threw herself on the floor and cried.
They dragged her before the priest, like a common girl. She cried again, begged and made all kinds of promises, but the priest, the same one who had officiated her forced marriage, refused to see how much she had suffered. He sentenced her to a terrible public humiliation with only the words "If you are truly repentant, you should be glad to do penance."
She refused at first, but just like at the wedding, they would not listen to her at all. Meryn just threatened her with pillory, like a low-born adulteress, if she didn't obey.
She had no other choice. Her beautiful hair was cut short and she was put into a rough gown fit only for a beggar woman. She could imagine how the whole village would stare at her, whisper behind her back...
And then Meryn walked up to her, to lead her out of the mansion and Nadine was sure he was smiling.
"So now you want to shame us both in public? If you cared for your precious reputation, you would never do this. You just want to humiliate me."
Meryn flinched from the unexpected outburst, but regained composure faster than Nadine hoped.
"You have humiliated yourself and will have to accept the consequences of your choices."
And so she had to walk to the church and at least pretend to pray for forgiveness.
She could feel the stares and wished everyone looking at her would drop dead. She wished she would turn invisible. And then, after what felt like ages, she only wished it would finally end and everyone would forget this ever happened.
She spent the next few days in her room, throwing things, crying, refusing everyone and everything. She was too embarrassed and angry to even want food.
When she finally walked out, her husband was waiting for her.
She had prepared whole speeches full of poison, but her anger had run out since then. And now that Meryn had put his foot down once already, she was afraid of more punishment. "What happens now?" She asked.
And he told her. He had their marriage dissolved and would be leaving shortly, "since this obviously wasn't working and would only make them both unhappy." She felt he was mocking her - had he not just made her as unhappy as she could ever be? - but even that emotion was too weak to get through the shock.
And then he told her to enjoy her freedom and left with a stiff formal bow. She supposed he must have said goodbye to her mother beforehand and was only waiting for her.
Only a few days ago she would have been overjoyed to have him gone from her life, but now she wasn't so sure this was what she had wanted. Yes, she hated him, now more than ever. But she was also suddenly afraid of the future, of what this new freedom might bring her.
She had changed back into her luxurious gowns, but her short hair was still a cruel reminder of her humiliation before the whole village.
Tristan, meanwhile, could not believe his luck. When Nadine's husband caught them together, he expected his wrath - and maybe hers as well - would turn on him. Instead, she was the one punished and Tristan was completely forgotten. And he certainly did his best to keep it that way. He kept his head down and took care to not even mention the lord's and lady's names.
But then days passed and he started feeling safe again. Nadine was not seen for a long time after her penance and lord Meryn seemed eager enough to forget the whole affair. And Tristan could start living his life again.
Even if Nadine wanted to spend the rest of her life hiding away from him and the world, there was more to life than just her.
After all, he deserved the admiration he received and he would he stupid to forbid everyone from giving it. He deserved to be happy, to forget about his crappy small house and hard work and feel like he was the whole world for someone. For anyone.
And there was a new girl in the village, a fiery red-haired beauty longing for adventure and eager to let him show it to her.
He was just starting to think that Yvaine might be just the right girl for him, when distraught-looking Nadine appeared out of the blue.
Yvaine took a step back, but Nadine was only looking at Tristan. For a while she just stood there while tears formed in her eyes, but then she decided to be angry instead.
"You... you bastard! I suffered all that for you and you... I hate you!" She did her best to look fierce, but before she could finish her tears were already flowing and soon she was unable to speak at all.
She slapped Tristan instead and then fled.
Tristan tried to shrug and pretend nothing had happened, but somehow wasn't able to. He had seen Nadine as one of the smitten girls, in love and therefore less powerful than him, but what if she stopped being in love? She was still the lady and local ruler...
Suddenly the whole marketplace lost its appeal for Tristan, even Yvaine seemed less charming than just a while before.
He walked home and hoped she would soon realise he had really done nothing wrong. He still liked her, she just had not been there at the moment.
But it didn't even take a full day for her to appear on his doorstep. Tristan tried to give her the perfectly polished excuse and explanation he had prepared, but she didn't even listen. All she wanted to do was scream something about a betrayal into his face.
"You don't understand..." He said for what felt like a hundredth time. She slapped him, with way much force than he would expect a tiny girl like her to muster.
She reached out to slap him again, he tried to defend himself and then they were fighting. He didn't even know how exactly it had started, only that suddenly she was scratching at his face and he was trying to keep her off him. Nobody could expect him to just take this kind of abuse without ever hitting back, could they?
And then he managed to throw her to the ground, perhaps harder than he had meant to, but by then he was fighting with all he had. There was a brief feeling of victory, of satisfaction. And then he noticed a village guard running towards them.
Tristan froze in place, unable to act while things around him were happening too fast. Nadine was crying again, but she looked more vicious than hurt. The guard helped her to her feet, but even before she was standing again she pointed at Tristan and shrieked for him to be arrested, whipped, even executed. And there was nowhere to run and no chance to fight.
He was told lady Nadine would decide his fate in the morning and didn't know whether to be angry or relieved. At least his own anger slowly gave way to fear and a decision to try to appease her. He even managed to scrounge up a flower with which he hoped to charm her back to her old puppy-eyed devotion.
And at first everything seemed to work just like he wanted. Nadine accepted the flower and even smiled at him. But then he asked if that was all and he was free to go and Nadine's smile vanished like it had never been there.
"You still must be punished. Or do you really think a single flower is enough to just forgive attacking your lady? Not to mention your entirely shameless behaviour before?"
Tristan's carefully prepared facade of meekness collapsed and was replaced by anger once again. Punish him? For what, not groveling enough?
"I said I was sorry. What more do you want?" He snapped at her, before he even knew he was doing it. "I thought you were nice. I thought you recognised when someone had real value, but you're petty and cruel, just like the rest of them. You may look like a lady, but you're just a..." He stopped himself just in time, but the damage had already been done.
The young lady's expression changed from shock to anger to an ugly smile and Tristan knew this was it.
"I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me, I..." He was prepared to sink to his knees, to do anything to save himself from punishment, but Nadine didn't even look at him.
"I'll show you petty. I don't want to even see your face. Ever again. Guards! Get him to the prison mines, out of my sight. And add a taste of the whip for the journey. To show him petty cruelty."
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